I would like to share this beautiful exchange with a student of mine with whom I shared some very negative ‘voices in my head’ as part of a class handout. I wanted to be vulnerable enough to share my ‘dark side’ so that my students know they are not alone in having voices which sometimes tear them down.
Both my student and I have experienced suicides close to hand, and we know it was our friend’s BELIEF in the fraudulent voices that pushed them over the edge. This is a warning: please beware of the voices. They are LYING and they are not your friend. Meditation is one way of becoming more mindful of what total bullshit can go on in our heads so we spot the invaders before they do any lasting damage.
This was what I wrote:
I'm a fraud, I'm a negative force. I bring others down, everyone knows how to be happy and get on with life, and I just get analytical and ruin the fun. It’s them and me. I'm visibly lying, I'm fraudulent, I don’t have enough training to make people love me. I never will.
Everyone is smiling, saying they love it, they love me, but it’s all fake. Everyone knows there’s something rotten and so they don't come back, but they won’t tell me. Ben says he loves me but I don't believe him. He wishes he did!
When I think of converting the garage into a yoga studio I see nothing but effort and dashed hopes. Being seen by him and others to have failed again. Another career tried and given up on.
A nauseatingly cushy life, can’t even find happiness. The idea of living with myself for my whole life fills me with dread. Just more of this rotting, of this struggling, of this sadness.
I give up. I am so ready to admit defeat. Should I admit I am rotten? Stop pretending anything is ‘fine or normal’ about me. That I am broken? I always was, always will be, that is part of who I am. Embrace the broken?….
Kindly and beautifully re-written by my student Sarah Fawcett:
I am genuine. I am a positive force. I lift others up. No one really knows how to be happy and get on with life. We all get analytical and spoil the moment. It’s them WITH me and it’s the reality. Everyone knows we are vulnerable. I only need the ones that come back. Ben says he loves me and I need to allow him to. I know he does.
When I think of converting the garage I see effort and hope. Being seen by him and others as having tried. Another career tried and explored.
A fortunately cushy life in which I can find joy. The idea of living with myself for my whole life is a daunting adventure. More resilience, more challenges, more sadness at times. I will not give up. I will not admit defeat. I can admit my weaknesses. I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine. I am normal. I have been broken but I survived and it is part of who I am. Embrace the broken!